Alhum confessions

Alhums. What can I say. They are source of constant frustration as well as hilarity in my life these days. Today, as it seems, is no exception. My one and a half hour ride to Kaolack, holding true to African ideals of time management, took four and a half hours. When we ran out of gas no more than 5k from my road town, I knew it was doomed. On a normal day, I would just chalk up the two dollars and find a new car. However, fate had it out for me and as it turned out, I only had 800cfa (a little more than a dollar) in my wallet. Damn! So I sat. and sat. and then, I sat some more. About two hours later, and about a gallon of gas, diluted with water mind you, in the the tank, we were off! I could still make it by noon. Tacos here I come (I swear the prenatal vitamins give me preggo cravings)! Regardless, I was ecstatic.

Well, was being the key word. Go figure, the damn wheel fell off! Its a car! how the hell does a wheel just "fall" off?!? Great, I thought, so much for "tacos at twelve." In my excitement to go to the city, I forgot to eat breakfast and now felt the need to give clever names to my mealtimes. Hunger dilusions is my guess. So, as they open the side door of the creepy monster van/alhum, to my amusement, the other passengers seemed to have forgotten that the wheel fell off and we were now sitting at an angle right above a ditch. Much to my amusement and the dismay of the senegalese, they fell right out the door and into the ditch. That did it. I lost it! Im telling you, tears streaming, clutching your heart and snorting kind of laughter. Apparently, I was the only one who found it so amusing. Pssshhh, whatever lighten up people.

Another hour later, still laughing, I was back on the road. Screeching to a halt, I think holy crap what now? Oh yea the police want us to pay a bribe, I should have expected this much. But, since there have been student protests and rioting in Kaolack, they felt the need to search everyones bags, buckets and even pockets. Lucky for me, I was wearing a skirt. As he searched my bookbag, I gave him my best "go ahead, pull my underwear out of the bag and see what happens" look. I don't know how intimidating a skinny little white girl in a Dr Seuss shirt and pigtails looked to a big burly black police officer, but needless to say no underwear left the premises. Just gonna throw this out there, I must have been pretty damn intimidating. Yertle the turtle, you do not steer me wrong when it comes to intimidation. 2 more bribes and 3 more gas refills later, I made it to my tacos. THANK GOD! I was starving.

All the time this is going on though, you cannot forget about the sleezeball africans that will ruin even the best of days for a female peace corps volunteer. And yes, they are ALWAYS sleezeballs, and they ALWAYS ruin your day. Unfortunately, subtleties do not make an impact on them, nor does sarcasm. But, it does help to make the situation more enjoyable for me. Now if you will, sit back in your alhum (aka your comfy american chair) and pretend you're in my shoes. This was my conversation this afternoon.

Me: minding my own business, listening to my ipod and trying, very unsuccesfully, to touch as few people as possible
Unattractive, over confident, testosterone-driven creepy african man: "La di da, I think Ill go to Kaolack today. Oh look, a toubab! Just wait until she meets me, I am in fact god's gift to women"

And so it begins

Creeper: Bonjour madame
Me: Ignoring him
Creeper: Hello my sister
Me: Insert dirty look here, turn up Ipod volume
Creeper: After a few moments of silence, he scooches closer and squishes me against the wall. I said hello my sister. I speak very good english.
Me: Wow! Thats really good for you! (I know you can sense the sarcasm. He could not) Insert eye roll here
Creeper: Yes! I am an educated man
Me: I am soooo happy for you
get ready for it.....
Creeper: Me, I want a white wife

Me: Ugh, good for you. I have a husband
Creeper: I want to go to America.
Me: Great, um....do you think you could not pick your nose right now. Its pretty gross. And Im afraid that the booger that you're playing with in your fingers will, ooohhh, yea there it went, right on my skirt. Thank you
Creeper: Yes, I work in Dakar.
Me: What?
10 minute silence
Creeper: Do you love me?
Me: Ew, you're gross.
Creeper: You don't love me? Why not
Me: You're ugly, now go away (ipod turns up to full volume)
Creeper: let me listen
Me: Go away

He makes his move

Me: SMACK!!! I think you mistook your knee for mine. I see how they're easily confused. Ass. Again, insert dirty look here.
Creeper: Oh haha I am sorry. You are very nice.
Me: Touch me again and you may never make babies
Creeper: You want to make babies yes?
Me: UGH!!!!
We arrive in Kaolack thank god!!
Creeper: Give me money now.

*As you can see, the men here are scum* This is what we have to deal with every day of our lives. So, ladies, appreciate the ability to walk down the street with out getting harrassed, hissed at or followed.


- Even though this is a 3 month old picture, I think it captures my reaction to this day perfectly!